1- Not Communicating Clearly
Communication is the glue of any relationship. Lots of us however don’t communicate very clearly. We tend to communicate with more vagueness than specificity without even realizing it.
For example, you may say to a friend,“Let’s get together soon” rather than making specific plans like, “Let’s meet for coffee at Starbucks on Saturday morning at 10.” When we are specific, we make things easier and clearer so making plans doesn’t have to be so difficult.
Lots of times you may unconsciously assume that your date or mate should automatically know what you want or how you feel without actually telling them. Most times, if you think someone failed you and “should have known…” it’s because you didn’t tell him or her!
For example, a single woman might think, “He said we’d do something this weekend but he hasn’t called me yet. He should have called by now.” The man in this situation also makes an assumption. His is, “She should have known that I wouldn’t call her until Friday because I’m super-busy with work.”
And we get twisted and tangled.
2- Not setting personal boundaries
Personal boundaries are the parameters that separate the behavior you’ll accept or reject from your date or mate. Physical violence, emotional “head-games,” and disrespect are typical types of unacceptable behavior. Boundaries help you feel emotionally and physically safe in the relationship. Without clear boundaries you may find yourself going along with your date or mate’s unacceptable behavior hoping that they’ll stop it on their own. Clear boundaries create happy relationships because each person knows what the other person likes best and doesn’t like and the guessing-game is put to rest.
Setting boundaries can include asking him to open the car door for you or asking her not to call you when you’re out with the guys. Boundaries include telling him/her you want to wait longer to have sex or telling him/her that you don’t like to be touched in a certain way.
Too often we bend our boundaries out of fear of not being liked or accepted by another rather than being true to ourselves.
3- Repeating patterns of behavior that didn’t work in other relationships
Have you ever thought, “I did it again. I failed at another relationship!” Or, “I picked the same type of man or woman again.” Yet, when you ask yourself how you could have changed the outcome, you don’t know what you could have done differently.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional home the key to understanding why you keep repeating the same scenarios in your relationships can be traced back to the quality of relationship you had with your family. Did your father ignore you? If so, you may keep choosing emotionally unavailable men. Did you mother inappropriately count on you for emotional support even though you were just a child? If so, you may choose women that are needy.
Lots of us didn’t receive what we really needed from our family – unconditional love and support. So we continue creating relationships that fall short of unconditional love and support because they feel comfortable to us even though (and this is the fascinating part) they’re dysfunctional. Until we become aware of and let go of past behaviors that didn’t work for us we’ll continue to repeat them.
4- Having Sex too Soon
Choosing someone for a long term relationship is one of the biggest decisions you can make in life. Did you know that if you have sex too soon in your relationship without forming a deep emotional bond your relationship is subject to stall out at the level of emotional intimacy it was at when you began having sex? In other words don’t have sex before you have emotional intimacy.
Rather than dating someone based on a magical flash of lightning sometimes called ‘chemistry,’ for a lasting relationship it’s important to focus on building an emotional bond. Chemistry is important but it has little to do with the ability to form a strong and lasting bond. I spent years dating men based on chemistry alone and in every relationship (until my last one) it failed.
The Three Steps to Dating for True Love and Commitment are:
· Meeting and getting to know someone
· Sharing a variety of experiences together
· Building: Love, Trust, Commitment, Reliability, and Physical Touch
As you get to know your date or mate you can develop trust in him or her. If you confer trust before you fully know someone, or get sexually involved before the level of commitment warrants it, you’re liable to minimize problems with your partner compromising your judgment, settling and setting the stage for perpetual disappointment. Too late you may find out that your partner is not right for you.
5- Creating Expectations
Have you ever had the following experience?
You’re meeting a new person for the first date and it’s going well. About 20 minutes into the date (if even that long) you find yourself imagining a future relationship with him or her.
Rest assured, this is common!
Whether you realize it or not, you’re creating expectations of future together before you really know him or her. So usually without even thinking about it, you’re starting to get emotionally hooked on the idea of having a future with this person.
Expectations are the saboteurs of happiness. And when reality doesn’t meet our fantasy we experience disappointment. We may sabotage an otherwise promising relationship because we don’t let it grow slowly over time.
I’d like to hear from you! You can request an introductory, no-obligation consult now to discover how to overcome your challenges or just send me a message. I’ll be back in touch with you within 24 hours.